What We Make Of Things

In the past few months I have had a whirlwind of feelings and thoughts unlike any I have had before.

I have had some good days and I have had some of the worst days. Physically, I could be better but nothing that hasn't already been made known. Mentally, is where the transitions and bumps have surfaced and have made themselves known.

We are in the 11th month of twenty-eleven. We are just over 6-weeks from the new year and twenty-twelve awaits.

I reflect on this year and I can't help but notice significant events that have contributed to my current state and have given me a new perspective. It is with common sense to state that these events have both positively and negatively affected me.

I attempted to start a career I quickly found was not right for me. My own beliefs, morals, and pride challenged by the actions put before me. I got the opportunity to travel the world with an amazing group of people and learned more about them and especially more about me. It is without saying I am full of flaws but during this experience I was in battle with myself and what actions I may have taken. Ultimately with regret I made a few bad decisions but in the end, I am stronger for it and with my group of friends we may just be better for it. It was an unforgettable summer, the things I got to see, I got to experience and share with those with me, are forever lifetime memories that are placed on the shelves of my memory bank. The world is a very big place, with many beautiful people, beautiful history and character. The world is also a very cruel place and we live in the environments of our choice, whether it is by obvious choice or may take some insight. Good things happen to good people but bad things happen to everyone at some point.

Frankly, at this very point, I am miserable. I am attempting to get myself out of this slump but it is difficult to do so when the "break" never shows up. I have been told by people and do believe people make their own fate. But I also believe that your actions take you on that path but fate takes control, an inexplicable power takes over and takes you the rest of the way towards your destiny. Sometimes you need a bit of luck, something.

The unknown is my fear. Where does my destiny lie? I am full of uncertainty at this point in my life right now, at this very second and it scares me. A mere 6 months ago, I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was headed.  But even that seems so far ago.  I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I am doing.  I have revisited my state of being as to when I finished undergrad several years ago, however, in this state I am in higher anxiety and of greater urgency.

As I struggle with where I am right now, I go back and forth with being sympathetic to myself.  I am in a dark low place, a place I foresee being a turning point in my life and will remind me of what I have to go through to get to a better place.  I am humbled by this experience.  I am upset at where I am but realize I could be in such worst places.  Is this what it feels like to head towards rock bottom? Is this what it feels like to have to work for once.  I have lived a privileged life, and I cannot, should not blame anyone or anything for the situation I have put myself in. I am alone, unemployed and without direction.  I will get myself out, I will survive, I will come out on top.  I was not raised by my parents to give up, to let things get the best of me.  I have learned to accept what is given to me but to make the best of things I have control over.  My best wasn't enough in the past, I can and need to do better.  Positivity and optimism, I was so full of them not too long ago, I'm filled with negativity, pessimism, and depression.

I gotta get up, step up, and move on.  Keeping calm, staying strong, and carrying on. Focus. 

Idle Body, Active Mind

With my departure date up in the air, I find myself idle in body but active in mind.  I wish I had a thought recorder that did not require me speaking it, writing it or acting it.  I have millions of thoughts racing through my mind.  I put a few sentences together in my head and in a matter of moments, it disappears into oblivion.  I try to recall them but know they are not exactly 100% the way I had conjured them up the first time.  This first paragraph was originally written differently in my head.  I just was not able to get to this editing page in time to get those fresh thoughts transcribed.

I sit here, daily, in between traversing the US and World news feeds, ESPN, Facebook, and career possibilities, pondering and wondering how I got to this point.  How all those series of events in my life got me to where I am today, where I am headed tomorrow, and what my decisions right now may lead to in the future.

It is both terrifying and exciting at the same time.  I try to live in the moment, try to live with no regrets, be bold, admirable, honest, loyal, respectful and with integrity.  However, I have at times easily lost sight of these qualities and characteristics but I strive not to allow my lapses' effect my decisions.  I must be calculated, must be disciplined, and committed.

I know not what my future holds.  I am absolutely terrified that I will fail my parents and my family.  I have already done so to a certain degree.  What if everything I set out to do from here on out falls through, as the previous one did.  I must be more diligent in my decisions, as they all cost something, whether it is money, time, or effort.  I have aspirations, motivation, drive and discipline, but those mean nothing unless I can produce and exhibit results.


...damn, I just lost my train of thought.  I will have to revisit this post again shortly.

Lux, this is all I got for now, promise more to come.

Indelible Mistakes

There is a saying we use in the English language to rationalize the mistakes we make in our lives. We state that we are merely “just human.” This saying identifies the flawed nature that the human race is incapable of reaching perfection. As humans and individuals, we are products of our environment; we are influenced by our families, friends, media, social outlets, and the advancement of technology. How we approach situations, how we solve them, and how interpret them is all influenced by our current culture. Kids in this generation are influenced by technology, specifically, the Internet, cell phones, computers, iPods, and iPads. Getting a hold of someone is easily accessible within a matter of seconds. Being “social,” for these kids consist of chatting on Facebook, gChat, or sending text messages. I am not too far removed from this generation as I was born into the end of pagers, cassette tapes, and landlines. I remember the beginning of the Internet, with the dial tones, and AOL’s signature sign-on sounds. Netscape and AOL were two of the larger Internet service providers. Accessing the Internet was the evening’s events, it would take 10 minutes to connect and when using the internet, you had to coordinate with your parents and friends not to use the phone line or else it’d take another 10 minutes at the very least to connect again. Now, if the Internet is slower than 30 seconds, we all throw a fit for it being so slow.

In the end, what I’m trying to say is that, the time, the era, and the technologies we have; influence our knowledge, character, and personality. The information that is readily available to us at the tips of our fingers, provides a false confidence that we think we have. However, nothing beats experiencing things first hand, including the good and the bad. No matter what people tell you, what you read, what you hear, or what people teach you, you learn the most from experiencing such events for yourselves.

I have made many mistakes up to this point in my life. As I reflect on my memories of the past, I regret saying the wrong things or being silent when I knew I should have spoken up. There is no use in reflecting on the past unless you use those experiences to understand your mistakes and move forward with the knowledge not to make the same one(s) again. I am “just human,” indelibly flawed, and full of mistakes. I strive to be admirable, to be accountable, honest, loyal, and trustworthy. I have failed at times and have excelled in others. More recently, I have failed to be the things I strive to be. I lacked the courage to speak my thoughts and feelings to my peers and ultimately paid the price I did not want to. I owned up to the mistake and understand that respect and honesty are best served among friends than to hide and cowardly publish your opinions elsewhere. I regret making the mistake of letting my emotions influence my judgment, being irrational and destroying friendships I know better to cherish than throw away.

My mistakes are my own, I am not perfect, nor am I even close. I must take these mistakes to better myself, to continually strive to be who I want to be. Although at times I may say I am “just human,” I now know better than to let emotions make my judgments. Nothing is sacred among close friends; nothing needs to be withheld as long as there is respect and honesty. I apologize to them.

I am now on a path to move forward. By my own doing, I must place a pause in school, putting a bookmark in that chapter, and write a new one that begins in China.

Memories and Thoughts Worth a Million Words

I do not know where to begin. There is so much to say but at this moment, words are hard to find.

To be perfectly honest, I am having a hard time writing what I want to say because I am slightly unmotivated to do such. I have the facts and the observations to produce an entry but lack the time and motivating creative juices to fuel.

So here we are again, at a stalemate, waiting for that nudge to push me over the edge and let this all spill out.

In the pass few weeks, I have come to realize I censor a lot of things that pop into my head. At times I avoid making comments or voicing my opinions because I consider the ramifications of these actions and how it may affect the relationship in the big picture. I am having more trouble figuring out when to voice versus when not to.

In the end, I have this perception that I need to be more aggressive and go after what I want. I struggle with what the reaction may be. Whether as a consequence of my aggressiveness, I will have an unfavorable response and essentially not get what I want than sitting back and letting it potentially come to me.

I fight this trait of mine everyday. The situation varies in all aspects of my life. I continuously rationalize that fate will step in and do its work for the things I want in my life. So far, fate stepped in some parts but took a vacation in other parts. Then again, maybe it actually did step in and decided for me that whatever it is I wanted at the time was in fact not good for me in the long run. Who knows? That’s the issue. Ha.

Self-evaluation can be a great tool and asset; however, it can also work against me. Because I constantly self-evaluate, I talk myself into passive inaction versus pursuing things I want or think that I want. I act more cautiously because I think things through and I make conscious decisions rather than with impulse. I look at it as a good trait to have, but realize I missed out on those stupid mistakes I could have made when I was younger. The older you get, the less free passes people give you.

In certain professions, perception can mean everything. One’s perception can be worth much more than their knowledge. We play this perception game in every day of our lives. People create first impressions. Often times, they are very difficult to overcome. This is more evident outside the states.

I have been told numerous times that the French do not like Americans. We have the perception to be arrogant, entitled, pompous, loud and rude. They have every right to think so. Unfortunately there are those of us who shouldn’t be grouped into this stereotype of Americans. Then again, get a few drinks in us and the story changes.

I find this whole business hilarious. When it all comes together, I find that we are all just ignorant people, whether it is Americans, French, every country, and every human being. This cultural barrier we have separating groups of people clash when we visit the other’s home. Americans are blah, blah, blah. Well, we are classified as such because the people judging have no evidence to think otherwise. Probably because they choose not to care to find out who each American really is as a person. The feeling would be reciprocated if the situation was vice versa. It is unfortunate that there are people out there in this world who could careless about the outside world. People are comfortable in their skin, in their environment, and in their minds. They have no desires to explore what this world has to offer, what other people have to offer, and what other cultures have to offer. I sympathize for those who share this type of thinking and feeling. You will never live. You will never learn to your potential. You will never appreciate all the beauty that is out there. Ignorance may indeed be bliss, but knowledge is power.

I apologize, I kind of ventured off on a tangent in terms of the topic. The title of this entry may not necessarily directly pertain to what was stated here. But hey, you read it. I promise to update with something more pertinent to my travels.

"Failure is only an opportunity to begin again more intelligently"

- Henry Ford

Adversity fuels character. How we face adversity, how we react to it, and how we move on from it tells a lot about a person's character. I have these ideals in my head of how one should act in certain situations of adversity. To experience it yourself and attempt to act accordingly is another story. It is true, people can never relate or really truly understand what its like to be in a specific situation without having gone through it or experiencing it for themselves. I didn't know what it was like, but now I do. It is a tough reality to swallow. It is tough to understand the situation and take a step back. I want to act emotionally, I want redemption, I want to act without thinking of my consequences, my faults and my logic. I just don't want to feel as I do now. If nothing more or less, I feel embarrassed. However, as I have to do with every decision I make, every opinion I formulate, I must understand the other side of it.

My actions have put me in this situation and now I must find the strength and determination to take the consequences and move forward. I have done what

... And the beat goes on

Disclaimer: Written on June 13th

This journey continues. The next leg consists of no set plans, no structure to the travels and simply going with the flow. Here, at first sight, one would imagine this would be setting up for disaster. Having no set plans has the potential of blowing up in your face. You may be stranded and you may be in limbo. Fortunately for us, this disaster preceded this second leg. We are finally on our way to London, England after spending an extra day in China. Mother nature is beautiful in all respects but is also cruel at other times. Regardless, that is now in the past and we are onward to the adventure that awaits the 6 of us in Europe. I’m excited at the idea of just being in the various countries enjoying the sights and the atmosphere in each city/country. Stepping back and looking at where I am, it is surreal to be in this situation and have such an opportunity to venture the world. Many aren’t so lucky or blessed as I am to have such given to me. That is all the more reason for me to take advantage of it and really enjoy and appreciate these places. I will be in a place where lives for those within enjoy each and every day just as I do back in the states. I can honestly say, besides the minor irritations and frustrations (which I believe are now behind me), I am excited, enthusiastic, and simply happy. I am in a happy place.

An 8-hour flight, in which you are not necessarily exhausted for, provides for momentary desires to express thoughts free flowing within the mind. I realize above all things I miss most is the touch. The subtle touches, expressions of intimacy and the companionship that comes with being in a relationship with someone. I want to share what I have to offer to this world and to others but not just frivolously to people who may as well not deserve such or will not appreciate such thought and effort. I am not one for casual dating and of that kind. I understand that there is no commitment involved nor will you be bound to that person at any point in time, I feel as though it may just be a waste of time. You get that intimacy and companionship but it is at such a level that is watered down, the bare minimum or blatantly meaningless. The perception is that you half-heartedly go through the motions of what may be a relationship because you know in the back of your head this is likely not to go anywhere. Whatever it may be, I know I prefer a whole-hearted relationship rather than casual but at this point; I’ll take anything to get that touch back. If nothing else, it may lead to a whole-hearted relationship.

We have arrived in London and if feels like another world from China. More or less for the time being, my perception of London is like home. The city reminds me very much of the states and particularly a large city feel that I love. Not quite the Manhattan, New York City, at least where the hostel is located but more of the Boston, Chicago, or Brooklyn, New York feel. There are still a lot of people but it is more mellow and neighborhood heavy area.

We are staying in the Generator Hostel in London, specifically Compton Place off Tarvistock Blvd. I wouldn’t know how to describe the quality of this hostel, as this is the first hostel I have ever been in and we are staying in a 6-bed private room. It is that university dorm room life feel to it and intimacy amongst roommates is at an all time high. We are in close quarters where every move, every breath, every thought is heard and felt by your roommates. All insecurities, all habits, all annoyances will be tested in these living quarters. Needless to say, regardless of what circumstances arise, what opinions, what thoughts and feelings come about, the 6 of us will be affected and forever be united in a bond of intimate friendships. Fortunately for me, I get along with everyone when I choose to and the other 5 are great and amazing people that I have the pleasure of traveling with. Hopefully the others mutually share my feelings and we have a fabulous time sharing this life altering experience together.

When you know you've had enough

Disclaimer: This was written on June 12th.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had gotten to my destination as planned. If my itinerary had not been blown up to pieces by some weather and issue with communication. I tried everything to not let the last three days of my trip define this cultural experience. China is a very unique place with a distinguish culture and custom. I am an outsider being exposed to this very culture. I do not understand what I am not familiar with and I have always tried to keep an open mind, be receptive of learning and gaining knowledge. My physical condition does not assist in remaining open to what China and its culture has to offer. I am more irritable, frustrated at the language barrier and annoyed at the blatant disregard for personal space, consideration and the “I Get Mine” attitude. I was at my limits the night I spent in the airport trying to leave Hangzhou, China. The weather delayed many flights and cancelled most. However, the ticketing counter told me that my flight was going to be cancelled and that I should go to the hotel provided and rest. “Come back tomorrow, but I don’t know what time you should be here.” I decided this suggestion was not wise and I was capable of handling myself in the airport for one night. One decision I definitely regretted within a mere hour into the evening. I was uncomfortable, unaware of what my next flight would be, mosquitoes eating me alive, benches that were not conducive to the attempt to sleep, fear of luggage or goods being stolen in my slumber and the heat that lingers in the air. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper; ready to change all flight plans and head straight home back to the states to get rid of this God-awful feeling. Hindsight, I’m probably better for it, but I’m still irritable and frustrated. I’m equally annoyed with the Chinese attitude to this second.

Maybe a minor change would have altered my mood, like air conditioning, comfortable position to sleep in, no mosquitoes, or actually getting on my flight to Beijing when it left at 2:30am (in my half dreary slumber, I rushed through security and ran to my gate only to find no one there, and no indication that someone WAS there.).

Looking at this situation, it probably makes for a great story for an outsider, but let me remind you very clearly that during this fiasco, it was not pleasant nor did I ever consider that this makes for a great story because I am or rather for the time being, was miserable. I finally made it to Beijing, after a night in the airport, an hour and half waiting standby for a flight, and getting on a plane where everyone is fighting to get off, even before the plane has taxied or even stopped. I’m sitting in the meeting point of the arrivals awaiting Smiles to arrive. It will be nice to have someone to keep me in check when I feel like punching the next Chinese person to touch me or talk to me in Chinese. I understand it is a part of me and my heritage, I can’t blame you for thinking I speak Chinese but each time it happens, I feel like I’m a disappointment to the Chinese culture for not knowing how to speak. If we were in Thailand, I’d rock the shit out of it and impress everyone, including myself. Do not judge me for not knowing your language; do not belittle me for the same reasons. I am an adequately capable Asian American, who does in fact understand and can converse in another language. So screw you, I’m going home. That’s right, home to America where I’m glad each of every second in the past two to three days I’ve had left here in China. I live in a place where everything is just right. Life is right, life is comfortable, life is familiar. I’m all about being cultured, but as I quickly found, my cultural cup got filled pretty quickly here. I’m overflowing, ready to put this one on the mantle and bring out another cup for another place. It has been great China, but good riddance my friend. I have damn well had enough of you.

Familiarity Amongst Peers and Appreciation.

We are creatures of habit and familiarity. People tend to flock to what is familiar. In a foreign setting this is more and more prevalent. I have met more people from my school here on this program than I imagine I would have if we were all back in San Diego. It’s most likely because we are in a smaller area and see each other everyday. Regardless, people are friendly knowing we share a common bond.

Don’t get me wrong I think it’s wonderful that I’m able to meet other people from my school on a different level. Three weeks of seeing the same faces everyday, it is a head first dive into friendship. If it is nothing else, I am networking with my future colleagues, some of which I may seek for assistance in the future.

Three weeks at face value seems like a long time. However, when you are in it, time seems to be speeding pass you like Usain Bolt. I am ten days from leaving for London. This means I have finals next week. I have yet to really settle down and grasp the concepts of class and study the material for the final.

I have only been on my summer adventure for eleven days. I have seven and a half weeks remaining before I return home to the states. Quantifying that makes it seem like my return home is far away.

This summer is not only of adventure but of learning and growth. I am enrolled in my school’s programs and taking classes but I will be exploring the world I am unfamiliar with and gaining perspective on how easy I have it back home. I am becoming aware of how fortunate I am to be living where I am, doing what I am doing, and having the freedom and opportunity to go about my life.

Each day I am here in China, I am reminded that life could be much harder. I wonder what the minimum wage is here. What is the standard and quality of life here. I go to dinner every night spending what my perception is to be very cheap. I rationalize that it is only 18 US dollars, the equivalent of about 100 RMB. Am I living a life of luxury for someone who lives in this city? The cheapest dinner I had was a couple nights ago where I enjoyed two large dumplings for 3 RMB. Converted to US currency, that is roughly 50 US cents. Dinner was 50 cents! In the US, for 50 cents, I could get condiments, or fancy sweet and sour sauce at McDonalds.

Our perception as US citizens visiting Hangzhou, China is greatly disproportionate. We are each products of our environment. We may not necessarily be completely influenced by our surroundings, but there is enough of an influence to shape our thoughts, opinions, and in this case our customs.

This is why I believe everyone needs to be continually cultured. Made aware of life in other places, whether it is better or worst. We may be exposed to it through media, but nothing compares to being in that location, living like a local. It should be mandatory for people to travel to other countries and experience that lifestyle. We should never settle for what is comfortable and remain narrow minded. We are these advance creatures with capabilities of absorbing a vast amount of information, yet we really only use 10% of it. Some people may even use less. This all runs back to the evolution of body, mind, and soul, I seem to continually relate to. This is the process of growing, maturing, and gaining perspective. Culture, it is all around us, we cannot be ignorant to think nothing else is better than what we know. Appreciate what you have and be conscious of life elsewhere.

Sparked in Good Company

I was about due for a good conversation. Time had past by for too long to go without having the pleasure of talking to someone who was able to carry it for longer than the small talk pleasantries. I have been one who enjoys learning and picking up cues to body language. Although I may enjoy this, I do not believe I am very good at reading them. I understand the simple cues, a body leaning forward on a table means the person is engaged. A body leaning back is one who is disengaged in the conversation. Eye contact means the person is actually listening to what you have to say. As I have stated before, human nature, interaction, and the dynamic have always been an interest of mine whether for personal reasons or simply to satisfy curiosity. When someone is engaged in the conversation, the back-and-forth that goes on is so majestic.

For purposes of anonymity, I will refer to her as Smiles. For obvious reasons, however, if need of explanation, she has one of prettiest smiles I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I had never had a full conversation with Smiles prior to this trip. We had talked in passing, and besides a party we both attended; we knew each other simply because of the repetitive exposure at school. Unfortunately, Smiles without fault had been grouped into a stereotype of a reputation that preceded her. The perception was not one of favor in a school setting. Needless to say, I was not one to pass judgment upon another without first getting to know them on another level than what rumors describe. Smiles’ ability to socialize and draw people in is uncanny. As an outsider observer, I envy this ability. It takes a certain kind of person to have a personality and character that is capable of doing such a thing. Confidence within is an absolute necessity. In our conversation, I was pleasantly surprised at the self-disclosure Smiles provided. Refreshing as it was to converse with someone about more than insignificant daily happenings, it was eerie how Smiles and I shared similar feelings about specific things. Some of the thoughts shared were identical to that of mind.

Admittedly, the more Smiles spoke, the more I found myself thinking how my attraction to her is growing. As if the smile itself wasn’t drawing enough. Smiles is very pretty from head to toe, but beauty as such is material and at some level an influence. However, intrinsic beauty knows no beholder. Beauty within trumps all cards. Within that hard shell, there exists a soul that emits a light that beholders will undoubtedly move towards and appreciate. Smiles has that, whether or not she believes so. Previously stated, I have never been one who read people very well, but I believe I see it there. Sometimes it only takes one person to believe for the other to flourish and bloom to their full potential.

We are creatures that are capable of evolving. Not only on a large scale but definitely on a smaller scale. The evolution from within typically identified as maturing or growth, as with any evolution, takes time. I spent years understanding this perspective I have incorporated into my life and thought process. I feel as though Smiles fears her own maturity. Caught in the crowd that distracts her from what she knows within she needs to do. Her confidence shaken by the rigors of school but lingers in hopes to be fed and replenished. Smiles is capable, without a doubt. Thoughts of change are present, and application of this is within reach, fruits of the labor waiting to fall from the sky.

Smiles is this hybrid of a person, confident and independent in certain respects but unsure in others. Hybrid is probably a bad choice for the description, I reiterate with balance. There is promise I see and hope finds its way out. I only wish good things upon people.

Regardless, I think an interest has sparked and as a result I have put them into words.

If Smiles were to read this, it would be an inadvertent and unorthodox method to elicit a response, as I am timid in requesting a reaction when it is unknown and potential to differ. Nevertheless, it would not appear awkward, as it only becomes so when people make it that way. I finish by saying that above all, the company is welcomed and enjoyed, if nothing else.

Comforts among other things

With each day I spend here, I am assimilating to the culture that surrounds me. I am no longer unease at the traffic and the location. I have taken a step back to look at where I am and enjoy this opportunity I have been given. I am fully aware of the stares American’s get, the jokes we are the butt of, and the inflated prices we are given. Like with any foreign place we come to, we will undoubtedly be treated differently than we would at “home.” That is a natural phenomenon; to stare at things you are unfamiliar with and judge accordingly. Humorously, I have been mistaken for one who speaks Chinese at any place I have been thus far. I have the look of a citizen but lack the conversational skills to get by. Instead, I feel like an idiot, a betrayer of the country when I tell them I cannot speak Chinese and only understand English. Nevertheless, it is quite a sight and experience to see this dynamic between the locals and myself. I refuse to allow myself to get frustrated with this interaction because there is no point. The language barrier is prevalent and at this point, there isn’t a thing anyone can do, so why waste energy being upset about it.

With that being said, I will concede, beyond the many stares the American students receive throughout the city, the people are welcoming and mean no serious harm. Hangzhou is described as the city for loving. “Zhou” in the Chinese language stands for state. Within this providence, there are three states, Hangzhou, Suzhou, and Guangzhou. Each state has their distinct characteristic. Hangzhou is considered the place to love. Suzhou is the place to eat (if I remember correctly) and Guangzhou is the place to live. Love, live and eat. Hangzhou houses 8 million people. I feel as though I have come across 100,000 people easily at this point. The city sounds like it is crowded, however, the landscape is large enough to not feel as so. As with my move from Orange County to San Diego, each day I spend here, I gain a larger appreciation for this place. I am fascinated and interested in the lifestyle of a local. How do they live, what do they do, what is life like living in this part of the city, this state, this country. The RMB, also known as the Yuan, is the country’s currency. The exchange is roughly 7 to 1 US dollar, slightly less but for the purposes of mentioning it, this is the easiest way to understand the rate. I have been here for four full days. Each evening I have been out to eat, I have spent on average 100 RMB. This is inflated in part because we went to a fancy restaurant and had lots of wine. But even then, the average of 100 RMB is the equivalent to about 15 US dollars. This is for a dinner that included at least two large beers and a full meal with left over’s. It is much different than what we have in the states where a meal may cost you upwards of 30 US dollars for a meal and two beers. Further, the quality of the food, although at times may in fact be questionable, it is still good and relatively comparable to the US. By no means am I stating that life here is easy when you are able to spend what seems to be lavishly here, comparatively. I am for one, just ignorant to the salary of a citizen here and come from a place where the money is stronger. I will indeed be thinking differently one I make my way west towards Europe and be on the flip side of things. Until that time comes in three weeks, I will enjoy myself here and get what I pay for.

Cultural Diversity like an Elephant in a small room

I have spent a total of 48 hours in the country that disallows google to function properly. Hangzhou, a city that has a gorgeous lake and a population full of people that seem to enjoy where they're at and what they're doing. It is a cultural shock nonetheless as I explored through the streets and along the river. Traffic "laws" are suggestions and pedestrians play "Frogger" every time they decide to cross the street. The people here are welcoming, and that is a far cry from the people you encounter in the States. It is quite intimidating as you speak with my classmates in English and every Hangzhou citizen you pass stops in their tracks and gives you the stare of bewilderment until you are out of their sight.

Ignorance is a much harsher word to use in this context, so I will settle for the "lack of exposure." The lack of exposure to American culture and English seem to fascinate the citizens here. Not only does it fascinate but may also lead to teasing or belittling. We as visitors, unless we are fluent in Mandarin, would not know the difference whether they were being polite or saying offensive things to us.

An example I think of was prevalent on the flight to Hangzhou, China. Several classmates flew with me from the States to our destination. On the second flight, which was from Guangzhou to Hangzhou, 95% of the flights population featured Chinese citizens, the rest foreigners. In the US, we easily and quickly lose sight of the cultural differences that exists beyond our boarders. We are the "melting pot" of the globe and feature every race, ethnicity, and culture in the world. On the flight, a classmate of mine was an interest of several Chinese citizens during the flight. Since I have met my classmate, she has never been one to be afraid or effected by what others think. She is a strong-willed woman who is very confident in herself. At least from my perspective, this is the persona she emits to the outside world. The Chinese citizens whether they were truly interested, simply amusing her, or making fun of her was dependent on your perspective. To me, I felt as though some were truly genuine and wanted to reciprocate her level of interest in the language and culture. Others I found to walk the line of being perceived as making fun of her trying to learn the language. Almost as a level of superiority. This perspective I experienced, was quickly combated by the thoughts of how we as Americans "cope" with foreigners coming to the States. There are plenty of US citizens that are ignorant and oblivious to the world outside their city, state and country.

Ever since my "growth" and grasp of perspective, I no longer formulate an opinion or thought without acknowledging the other side. There is always at least two points to any opinion or "side." Where I may think I am being polite, another person may perceive it differently. I feel it is a necessity to be conscious of other points of view and not remain narrow minded or stubborn.

To get to the point really, MY ignorance in this country is bliss, I just smile and take in what is in front of me. This is a beautiful city that has many sites to see. The lake, which is called Westlake, is one of the most beautiful things I have encountered in my lifetime. I understand that I am an ambassador of the US and my actions speak for those not present here but either way, I will not let anything hinder or disable my ability to enjoy the wonders of this nation and the world. I am doing the one thing I absolutely love above most other things, I am being cultured. Cultured on the ways of the Eastern world. Cultured on things I never imagined and never heard of. I am being cultured on respecting the rest of the world, because they deserve to be respected.

Cultural Diversity in China is Perspective to the exponential power.

I can do no more than enjoy what is in front of me. No more than to love and respect the unknown for what it has to offer.

I bid you a due. Until next time.

Before you know it...

Life creeps up on you like a spider monkey. Time creeps up on you like it's nobody's business.

Here we are, two weeks from the end of my first year. Shed the 1L label and into the second level. 2L status awaits in the distance.

Reflection won't do any good if I don't worry about the future right now. I gotta get through these last two weeks and finish on a very strong note. This year has not lacked in excitement or disappointment. I have undoubtedly evolved into another person. Whether for better or for worst is for others to decide. I cannot do much about it but be simply who I am and who I have become.

I no longer spend a significant amount of my time worrying about what others think. Or what they think of me. It is a waste of all our time. This worrying isn't absolute, however, I just have to consistently remind myself of the insignificance of it. I have much bigger things to worry about. Such as my family, my career, my financial bearings.

There is this ignorant stereotype of my profession where we are qualified as liars and snobby rich people. However, I search among the practicing and find most are in fact genuine and frugal in their spending. Maybe this persona is a consequence of the subject matter of the profession, not indicative of the actual person itself. We are merely advocates for either side and must do what the job requires us to do.

My thoughts wander like balloons caught in the trade winds. I travel from one topic to another and attempt to connect each of them as if they flowed together like a melody.

It is amusing that I find a single element within each topic to connect but yet do not have a big picture connection. They are little paragraphs that identify a single element to connect to the next paragraph and change so on and so forth.

My mind is racing with thoughts. Thoughts of law school, thoughts of life, thoughts of family, thoughts of friends, and thoughts of the coming months.

Two and a half weeks, three days after my last final, I hop onto a plane to embark on a life-changing experience. For the next two and a half months, I will be over seas exploring China, and Europe. I will be away from everything I have ever known and the culture I have been accustomed to. I have traveled over seas several times before, but only to Thailand where my family is from. I am not completely ignorant to the lifestyle of the East and of a Third-world country, however, the luxury that is provided in the US will require some adaptation to that of China and Europe. China and most of the countries I will be in Europe are far from third-world country status, but nonetheless will be a culture shock.

I am excited to experience this culture shock and all the beauty that comes with this unknown. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find that things that are "foreign"(used in this sense as something unfamiliar) to me are in fact beautiful. I do not necessarily have to see the tourist spots, the popular structures, and whatnot, I can and am fully content with enjoying the smaller hidden gems within the culture. Everyday life in Hangzhou, China or in Nice, France, will be pleasurable in my eyes. I will be happy regardless of whether I see everything or see nothing.

I am in another place shedding the stereotypes and rumors of places I am ignorant of. I decide on my own what each place means to me. I can very well tell you now, no matter where I am, I will take something away with me in my experience there. It will be good. No matter the circumstance. This world has too many good things about it to dwell on the unfavorable.

Kanye said it is the good life, I agree with him. Italians say it is the sweet life, I couldn't agree more. I love this world, I love who I am, I love the people around me, I love where I am, but there is nothing I love more than being cultured.

Love is a word I do not use often or frivolously, it is a powerful word that possesses significant meaning in my eyes. So when I do use it, the truth and weight behind it is heavy.

Dream big, make your goals, reach for the stars, and don't forget to love. Take every experience and every struggle, extract the message and good from it, and make it apart of you.

Before you know it, it will pass you by.

Adolescence

"I'm feeling overwhelmed, It's getting out of line. I know I'm not alone, just adolescence, you and I. It doesn't make me feel any better."

I have never ventured into analyzing or interpreting lyrics but I found these lyrics to accurately depict my state of mind. An adolescent in my trade, but not for very long. I near the end of what was simply an overactive mind-blowing journey of 1L-ism. Yes, I just made that word up. I'm better for it. Don't judge me monkey!

It has gone by in a flash. Everything in the past seems so minuscule compared to the picture I have painted in my mind. I see glimpses of my future, the path to the left and the path to the right. I see promises and I see struggles. Either way, "Life is a roller-coaster, and I'm not strapped in. Maybe I should hold with care, but my hands are busy in the air."

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Life with sudden decisions, long-term decisions, mistakes, regrets, etc. Take them all in, jumble them all up, see what is left, and just go with it. Live free, smile and breath.

I'm in a good place, but with worries nagging wayside. My focus remains on my future but I'm taking the present as it is present to me. I love where I am, I love what I do, I love myself, and I love you.

Refreshing Maturity

As an avid people watcher, I find it oddly interesting, observing and connecting one's character, personality, and actions with their level of maturity. What have we as a society define maturity? Is it necessarily the ability to understand the intricacies of life and act accordingly? We are a species that is ever constantly evolving. We evolve on the large scale, as in technological advances and medicine. We evolve on the individual, as in individual character development and perspective.

As you grow older, your exposure to life, naturally supplies maturity. However, in an environment that does not nourish certain character/personality traits, maturity is not fed and essentially malnourished, leaving the person to act often times unacceptably. Was that too forward and opinionated? I stated a lack of maturity to be unacceptable for someone who reasonably should be acting with respect and perspective, to their age. Does that sound less opinionated and more factual, a common understanding? It is rare I voice my opinion in a matter that, from my view, is fairly strong. Respect and perspective are strong characteristics that can never go wrong. (I invite objections to this statement, I am open to re-evaluating my own opinion). You provide respect to your peers, your elders, and your juniors and respect is reciprocated without doubt.

I am categorized as Generation Y, the Millennial worker. The jury isn't out yet on exactly what birth years categorize this generation. Roughly 1980-2000s. We are characterized as a generation that seeks efficiency, able to multi-task, team-oriented rather than individuals, etc. Nevertheless, my point really isn't so much this generation as a whole but more of the notes from observing just a decade of birth years. Specifically, I am speaking about the 1980s and partly the early 1990s. I'm an '85 baby. I have been fortunate to have been raised in an environment that breeds success and strives for only the best. I have been given a life that is privileged and by no means am I to "boast" of such because I am aware of how lucky I am to be in this situation no matter what "hardships" I think I am going through. Life can always be worst. But, reflecting upon my experiences so far, I find it as I observe those born closer to 1990s to the present, the sense of respect to others seem to dissipate at a more rapid rate as the sense of entitlement rises. We are approaching, if not already arrived to a point where teenagers are "maturing" faster than their body and mind can handle. This a consequence to their exposure to many resources, namely the internet. They have grown up in a world where the internet has always been there. Their access to information is endless. I aged myself among colleagues the other night by stating the method I used to listen to music and how I use to make "mix tapes" with actual cassette tapes, recording the radio. The walkman was pretty cool back then and was overly expensive. If you had a walkman, you were one of the cool kids. Our technological advancements have furthered our evolution and provided many good things, however, they have also provided negatives. Teenagers now believe they are being social when they chat with each other through googlechat, messenger, or even text messages. We have all become so dependent on technology. As convenient as it may be, most people have to admit they are hopeless without their smartphones. How did we survive merely a decade ago without smartphones with email, GPS, internet, and text messages? Landlines and payphones were the way people got in touch with each other, the way people communicated. Can you recall the last time you had a legitimate and meaningful face-to-face conversation with another human being without using any form of technological medium? A leisurely conversation, not one for business or with some ulterior motive.

I had one today. It was refreshing.

I met Foodie several months ago at the beginning of latest chapter. She was intimidating at first because of how focus, motivated, polite, and on top of her game she was. She exuded an aura that signified she will be a force to be reckoned with in my section. But her infectious smile and personality washed that intimidation perception right away. She still possesses all those traits but I have thrown my ignorant first impression in the trash and am glad to call her a good friend of mine. Foodie's conversation with me this evening filled me with exuberance. I did not realize how sad and boring my conversations with others had become. The typical small talk or the simple exchange of greetings and pleasantries. A real conversation had eluded me for a period of time I was unaware of. Our conversation reminded me of one I had a few years ago in Chicago with another friend of mine who at the time was really just an acquaintance. The mere fact that this was a face-to-face conversation and had substance in the topics discussed, put a smile on my face. She is an amazing person with an amazing story. Her character and personality elicit favorable responses. She is polite and respectful so you can't help but be drawn to her. It has and continues to be a pleasure to be in good company.

I lost my train of thought... goodnight

I See Better Days Ahead

After a weekend of mini-fails, I am idiosyncratically refreshed for what lies ahead. Better days of course. At this point, I think I have reached the bottom point of being as cynical and irritable as I can be. If for any other reason, I should not be that bad, its not conducive to my mental and physical health. I have found rejuvenation and optimism has arrived for a glorious return. Nothing can bring me down again. I will simply shrug it off my shoulders and let it be. I am much better than to take things personal or to heart. It is what it is. No more and no less. I will allow for things to fall in its place. Not to say at the very least I won't interject myself when I find it necessary but generally I will let things happen as it would.

I understand this view as more of a "I don't really care what other people have to do or say." They live their lives as I do mine. I do not mind sharing and listening but only if the feeling is mutual. Boyfriends/Girlfriends come and go, friends stick around, but in the end, when all is said and done, it is all about you. Don't get me wrong, it is not forbidden to do things for others. I enjoy doing that. I am a giver. But when it is a giver and a taker, it will never work. Givers although at their very core love to give, it is also natural to want to be appreciated. Thus, givers work best with other givers. We cannot all be takers because then we are just a bunch of self-center a-holes. That would be epically sad and disappointing.

Anyone a dream specialist out there? Explain to me what dreams symbolize. Give me something to believe even though I'm skeptical since dream theories are hard to entrust with validated scientific evidence. Create a theory that satisfies my need to answer what each dream symbolizes/means.

I can recall a few dreams from last night. One more vivid than the other two. Ms. Sunflower appeared and we were at dinner as we use to do sparingly half a decade ago. She proceeded to explain to me the situation in her life, the reason behind her unsuccessful engagement. (There's no other way to really put it without it sounding as it does). I do not remember what she explained to me in the dream but it was significant enough to cause such a reaction. I sympathized and carried on the conversation, traversing the other parts of her life. My words seemed to put a calm and comfort in her eyes. The backdrop glimmered with beauty. I thought to myself, this can be construed in so many ways, but the specific view point of negativity nagged above and beyond the others. I had no desires to sweep someone in such a fragile state. The vulnerability made me feel evil for thinking such a thing. It was as though I had won a prize by default. The gratification of having someone fall in love with you and feel the same as you do was nowhere to be found but just emptiness. Ironically, I awoke at the part of the dream where we had embraced each other at the nights end. A hug and the presumed fairytale kiss to end the evening before parting ways. As with social entertainment and their perfect timing, the dreamed ended as the moisture of her lips reached mine.

I found myself dwelling on this dream and the very nature of its meaning. Does it mean that I just happened to be thinking about Sunflower prior to my slumber and thus the reason for her presence in my dream? Or do we look further into it and find that it was more than a coincidence. I admit openly that I think about her from time to time. I was naive. I was a teenager. Had I known better, had I known what I know now. I would not have made that mistake. Hindsight is always 20-20. Oh how life would have been much different. For better? For worst? One can only imagine. Needless to say, we are here. I admit furthermore, she has a place in my heart. She unexplainably affects me without a single word, action, reaction, or for that matter any communication what-so-ever. We all have the "one." You know what I mean. Sunflower is it. Simple as that. Will I act upon it, maybe nothing more than a letter expressing my feelings. When that time comes. Otherwise, I will silently live my life apart from hers and view from the outside looking in. It is my selfish nature to secretly hope that when the time comes for me, she will be that "one." But, I know better than to think and be insane or creepy. It is absurd. Says who? Society. It is just not normal, but what is normal? Is love normal? Love is a crazy thing and it can cause people to do crazy things.

I am venturing deeper into my mind, my heart, my soul and openly analyzing what is inside. Aside from other's thoughts, opinions, expressions, and norms, I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to fear. If I do not understand myself, how could I expect others to understand.

I am at peace with myself. With being at peace, I afford the opportunity for others to seek peace and find it within themselves. To be peaceful, you must find it within yourself and others will gravitate to it.

I live for happiness, but do so with integrity, admirability and inspiration.

I see better days ahead. Whether spiritually, mentally, physically, or materially, better days await my presence. I seek accordingly with open arms.

I Rest Assured.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the complexity of life. (This doesn't bid well for the rest of my life, huh? ha) In the process of growing up into adulthood, life seems to get more complicated. More objects obstruct our goals, obstruct our view, and obstruct our paths.

I am disheartened by my status. I bear no fruits to my labor. I study and I do the necessary, if not beyond, amount of work to succeed. Yet, I have nothing reasonable to show for it. I struggle to maintain a positive outlook as I carry on. Each result bears a heavier weight upon my shoulders. I await the favorable results to lift the weights and free my spirits. I am an optimist, through and through, however, one can only remain optimistic for so long when prior results show no change. I do not mean merely once or twice before, but rather extended results beyond that of twice.

Fortunately, I am blessed with people who acknowledge my efforts and reassure what I hope will happen in my future. Success, shown as the consequences, rather, rewards, of my effort.

I shall continue this journey with my best efforts. I know no matter the outcome, I will have put my best efforts forward. I am who I am. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. But if it has to be anything. I Will Succeed.

Digressing once more.

My continuance of tiredness extend further than the mere musings of my success in school. When you play a game enough, you get tired of it. You get tired of going through the loops. Tired of all the round-about ways to get to the point. Sure, chasing can be enjoyable when subtle hints are dropped before you that keep you going. At this point, it is not worth my time. I'm not one to give up but rather one to cut my losses if my evaluation shows no benefits to my efforts. I've tried. I've done basically all that is called for, but reciprocation is a far cry from my location. It is nowhere to be found. I am not an idiot. I am not oblivious to the nature of this game. Whether my expressions, actions, or communications show otherwise, I am well aware of my surroundings. I am observant and take note, but say nothing. This is me. I keep things to myself because I find it not my place to interject or interrupt. Human nature is an interesting entity (Previous "Human Nature" Entry ). Especially the distinguishing characteristics between females and males and more specifically to each individual. I find it fascinating what one enjoys versus what one finds irritating or unfavorable. The Game, why do we play? Is that our only option? Whatever it is, it is not worth my time right now, nor may it be for quite some time. Or maybe it is the source, maybe my evaluation has dictated it is not worth it. It may be sad to this point, where even a roommate does not satisfy that missing emotion. I seek that connection that one shares. I shall not fret over such a hole, it will eventually be pushed aside with my focus on myself and my future. It is undeniable this emotion will resurface. When it will resurface is the variable, but the previous statistics state the likelihood it will peer its head in a couple weeks. Until then, good riddance, there is no hate, just irritation. I avoid scratching it to make it worst. I am merely stating my displeasure in the situation and the epiphany that is the big picture of where I am headed and what is necessary versus what is a luxury.

Conceded Optimism Revived

My tedious rant continues. The top of the container is full. Its time to speak in hypocrisy. It is my bit of rage that spews onto this page. Not so much rage but restlessness, uneasy, frustration and irritation. My charm has subsided to the speculative eye. Conceded to the pessimistic outlook. I'm suddenly the debbie downer no one wants to hear.

Since my last written words, all 10 hours of it, I have unfortunately been in an unexplainable abnormal mood. I venture to attribute it to the subconscious anxiety I get when I am being tested. Although law school midterms are not weighed heavily, my desires to succeed add an unnecessary pressure. Finals are multiplied. I hardly remember any other testing having this amount of weight on my mind and body.

I'm in my own head. Looking for a permanent escape. Freedom from the confines of my own self-destructing thoughts. These last sentences would be damaging to my perception but I assure you they are to a lessen degree than most would take such statements. I am well aware I am not an idiot. I would not be where I am today without some level of intelligence. I would not have graduated high school, gotten my Bachelor Degree, be accepted into law school in hopes to receive my Juris Doctorate. It takes a certain kind of person, motivation, desires, and commitment to get to this level but I don't want to just be here. I have been blessed to have been a standout in places I have been a student. I don't see a reason why that should change. I am capable of such a feat, yet have not lived up to it. I hope and wish to find it very soon. Ideally in a matter of days.

I digress. I have calmed down now. My upstairs neighbor has decided to stop hammering whatever it is they're doing up there at 11:30 pm. They have been doing such for the past hour and half. My desires to sleep at 9:30 was compromised by their ignorant activities.

My cup is empty once more. I'm glad this is my release. I do not resort to burdening others to listen to my dispositions. It is not their job, nor is it my place. We all have our dog days, mine just happened to occur during midterms. Unfortunate timing but the irony in it amuses me.

Perhaps my restless mind is now content and will not longer fight my dormant desires.

Squirels!

I'm finding myself having a difficult time sustaining focus. I'm in the midst of a second midterm today, yet my exhaustion effects how I am currently preparing for the test. I've attempted to eliminate every distraction I can think of, from putting my back to others, instead of putting on headphones, I have earplugs in, and taking myself off of gChat to avoid unnecessary discussions about anything other than Civil Procedure. Yet I am still getting up to walk around, looking out the windows and reacting to random smells that break my concentration.

I have stared at this outline for just about a week now. I've learned and tried to retain much of it, yet I still feel I couldn't tell you exactly what some of the Rules are as defined. I'm in a struggle to (yup, I just looked outside at this very second) put into words my understand of the rule.

This is a cause for concern. I have spent more time this semester really trying to study than to just keep up with the readings and assignments. I feel as though I have been relatively on top of my game in terms of learning the material and paying attention in class, being engaged. My fear is that this week's studying will be of a waste and that what I have changed is still not enough to get me to where I want to be. Near the top of my game, near the top of my class. I am one who doesn't take losing lightly, although, I have realized I tend to rationalize it better. Whether that is a good thing or bad thing is beyond my desires to contemplate. Nevertheless, I have a high set of expectations for myself because I believe I am capable of many things. My lack of awards may speak otherwise, showing no more than quite possibly my laziness at crucial times. This is not in a lack of effort, it is rather a lack of being smarter about how I approach this. Maybe it may simply be, finding the method as to which will produce the most effective results. Or worst case, maybe I really just don't understand this as well as I thought I did, in which case is just unfortunate and a waste of time. Sad.

My Haven Awaits You.

I find my comfort, my solace, in writing. My expressions feed into words. I state my thoughts with particularity. Every word calculated. Every sentence premeditated. I find it harder to write anything than to organize my thoughts within my head and then put them onto the screen. There are benefits and disadvantages to either. This process may take longer for someone like me but requires less editing than one who word vomits a piece. Shakespeare never edited his work. I'm not insinuating I'm a literary master, nor some expert for that matter. Simply I share a juvenile, rather novice version of that process.

Nevertheless, writing is my place of calmness. I find writing and music, passions that soothe my mind, bring peace and de-stresses my body and soul.

I suggest my character seeks optimism in almost everything I encounter. I rationalize by finding the optimistic nature of every situation, every circumstance. There is always some good that comes out from any condition.

I admit, there are times when there is absolute difficulty in finding such optimism. Sometimes it is beyond our scope. I have lost sight before and have allowed my emotions to overwhelm my mind. However, hindsight always being 20-20, I am still able to get from it what I can.

I cannot control every element in my life. It is an understanding I struggle with at times but one I must settle with. I leave it to another entity to allow things to fall into its own place. I only seek happiness and take all victories, whether small or large, minimal or significant, as they come. For small victories of happiness may amount to a much larger whole.

My eyes are wide open, ready to take on anything I am faced with. My mind is free, ready to accept perspective and knowledge. My heart is receptive, ready for the love that awaits. My soul is hungry, ready to feast on all the world has to offer.

I am here. Come join me.

A Lover's Quarrel, A Dreamer's Sanctuary, A Child's Bliss

The easiest way to communicate emotion is in our words. How did our mankind create words and formulate meaning behind them? Centuries of evolution. Words make everything easier. They also make many things more difficult. Words can start an argument in any type of relationship. Words can describe ones dreams. Words can tell a story of a fairytale land, far, far away. Words are words. A group of letters that create a sound when said, provide a meaning when read, and with many, create an idea.

As I approach my second set of law school midterms, another understanding of words have made their way into my bank of knowledge. Words are powerful beyond comprehension. It could create a document that essentially places a person society has deem unfit to live among peers, into prison or death. It could free a man from charge of a crime. It created a Constitution our people live by. If the evolution of words and language never existed, would we cease to exist?

I've always been one fascinated by where things began. We have reluctantly agreed that the excitement of atoms caused the big bang. A theory that we've accepted was what started the milky way, our solar system, and namely our planet earth. Life as we know it. But from there, the story continues, to water, fish, amphibians, land animals, dinosaurs, monkeys?, Homo Sapiens, aka humans, tribes, society, cities, so on and so forth, however that order may be. I'm well aware there are gaps and misplacements, if you're interested please correct me. My point remains, along the way, we (as in this planet, etc) created things for the first time and allowed it to evolve. Just like bacteria evolves and adapts to its surroundings. I'm not comparing our mankind to bacteria but the principle of evolving.

Here we are, a world with many cultures, many beliefs, many ways of life, many languages, many countries and cities, and many people. Can we rewind to the beginning just to get a glimpse of how it all began. Then again, we formulate theories and ideas to satisfy our desires to understand the beginning. Quench our curiosity.

I am an ever thinking mind. A quiet mind. A mind that keeps to himself, unless he desires to voice his opinion. I've also been told I'm a charmer, but who do I charm? There are no snakes around me, that must not be it. I await to find that of which I have charmed.

My scatterbrain has provided these wondrous thoughts. Squirrel! ... where was I?

A new post this is, a week before midterms, my mind reluctant to study, my heart content, my body recuperating, and my soul still boogying to the beat.

I extend a welcome to Lili, welcome to my Peace of Mind. Enjoy your stay. Read on!

Marketing a Day of Love

Valentines Day. A day for love, a day for candy, a day for flowers, a day for gifts, and a night of presumably sex. A day specified by society to celebrate ones love for another/others. Funny, last I checked, shouldn't we spend everyday showing our love for others? Today, ahem, excuse me, yesterday, is still a beautiful day. Everything red, roses, flowers, candy, smiles, hugs, and kisses. For couples, this day can be glorious and dreadful, one gets to express and spoil the other silly, but may dread having to plan it out the week prior and hopes everything goes as planned. Singles, its the longest 24 hours, being brought to your attention, front and center, how everyone around seems to have another, while you don't. Sadly, I am one of those. But, it doesn't affect me as much as one could imagine. I got plenty of love and get plenty of love, no get your head out of it. I have love for all my friends and their significant others, we are all family in my eyes. I get love from my family. Direct and extended.

I can only smile and enjoy the day as I should for Valentines Day is simply another way businesses make money (great marketing) and we help our economy cycle the money...

Digression.

I was watching television the other day and caught a quote from Whoopi who has been documented stating she struggled with drug addiction. She and a few other ladies had been discussing the situation Charlie Sheen was in and how all these people have strong opinions about him and his actions. Whoopi was quoted explaining that "experience trumps assumptions." That no one has a valid opinion about something they do not have experience in. We make assumptions everyday. Its how we rationalize things, how we are able to formulate opinions, how we may run our lives. They're very dangerous, and yet we often do this without conscious.

"Experience Trumps Assumptions"

So simple, yet so true, on all levels. Are we entitled to an opinion? Absolutely. Should we voice it for the sake of letting it be known? Absolutely not. Then again, who am I to say what we should do or not do. I'm not an elective official, or a legislator, I'm just another person with an opinion... when I can formulate one.

I've neglected to update this sooner. I won't disrespect you and make up an excuse. I will admit I have been avoiding doing such because I don't want to necessarily disclose all in my heart and soul. I am retreating to that hermit-tality, in fear of ridicule or scorn, judgment.

That hermit-tality doesn't extend in all directions, I still have some level of discloser involved.

A Process Evolving Into a Technique

This process takes much more effort than one would imagine. I sit here in the new school library, about an hour and a half into my session, where the desk are oversized and the librarians are mere middle-men from the top about the message of even having packaged food sitting on these desk. Its understandable, its a new building with new furniture, it still has the shiny gloss and new smell. Either way, I'm at a road block on my path to writing a legal brief. It is nothing more than a "zero" draft where grades do not exist but extensive scrutiny is standard. It is used as a tool to help students get started on writing and provide feedback on whether or not we are headed in the right direction. Currently, I feel as though I'm discombobulated, turned around, facing the wrong direction. Everything around me looks exactly the same. Am I in a house of mirrors? Where is that light ahead of that will guide me in the right direction towards word vomiting a legal brief. I apologize if my words depict a certain childish tone, I'm merely attempting to extract an idea, thought, or opinion on the matter at hand. Criminal Procedure, 4th Amendment Rights, Illegal Search and Seizure, Legitimate Expectation of Privacy, Standing. I have that grasp of my topic, what to argue, how to argue, and for the most part, how to organize it. Unfortunately, the rock that is this topic has found itself stuck in a ditch atop the hill equivalent to Mount Whitney. Did I get it stuck up in the Sequoias? Maybe my "rock" is actually Half Dome. Doesn't seem like its going to be moving anywhere fast. Of course, its not necessarily the end of the world to turn something in that is as bare bones as Lindsey Lohan on her drug run. But what use will I get out of my conference with my professor when all she has to look at is a blank piece of paper. My issue begins with just that, where do I begin? What does my first sentence say? What will make the most sense to the Judge (in this case, my professor)? Will she formulate the opinion that my written "zero" draft work is inferior to the prisoner brief's she receives at her job? A striving, starving, struggling, law student attempting to muster up a few legal words to form a brief, creating a document that looks and sounds worst than an uneducated prisoner trying to salvage his life. Definitely Possible, but highly improbable. Lets just hope that isn't the case and I pull out a masterpiece like Mozart's Requiem - that was amazing.

Now, I must digress... On to Mr. William B. Mitchell... Hello Mr. Mitchell, I am your fake defense attorney, I will be writing a Memorandum of Points and Authorities in support of granting the Motion to Suppress evidence seized incident to warrantless search.

Boom. HELP!

Maintaining Healthier Habits

Two weeks into the new semester, 29 days into the new year. I'm slowly getting reacquainted with my routine. The task of getting up at 630am is still not getting any easier. After spending years upon years waking up at 430am, 630am should be a breeze but when you go to bed at 12am and you're 10 years older, your body gives attitude.

I am deterred by the tightness in my quadriceps and calves every time I ride my bicycle on a slight uphill climb nine streets east of my location to school. Granted it's nine downtown city blocks, but the soreness in my legs and my out-of-breath status attest to my lack of cardiovascular health. A common state of an aspiring attorney attempting to grasp the concepts of thinking like one.

In this new year, I have not come through completely with my "change." I have half-assed the task of balancing school and health. Health pertaining to exercise and healthier choices for my daily diet. Thus far, I have been as I expected with school work and keeping up with reading and beginning the studying process sooner in the semester. As for health, the trend of failing to keep up with it, similar to my first semester, is evident. I have established a routine that would have me in the gym three times a week and swimming on the days away from the gym. Last week suffered its first speed bump, failing to either swim or lift for most of the week. I find it so easy to take a "rest" day more often than I am familiar with only a few years removed.

My minds desires for sleep over-power the need to exercise. Then again, the mind needs to stay sharp to absorb the material lectured and discussed in class. I spent this morning working out for approximately 2.5 hours. An hour in the gym and the rest in the pool. The feeling of starting the day off with a workout is refreshing and makes the day run smoother. Unless of course you do what I did today and just fell asleep for more hours than I had allotted for, which was zero.

As with everything we do in our present days, calculating the cost-effect of all our activities happen often times without acknowledgement. Working-out and being "in-shape" is correlated to being happier and healthier. Surely it must carry-over to my studies. I have a goal in mind, that by the time we finish the semester, I shall be in one of the best shapes I have ever been in my lifetime to this point. That may mean losing more pounds than what one would imagine, however, muscle weighs more than fat.

I struggle with healthier eating more than anything. I imagine this being the most difficult task in anyone trying to make changes to their health. I can't eat like I use to, content and quantity. It is evident at this point I eat less than half of what I use to while I was training. The content, however, hasn't varied as much as the quantity. There are just foods out there that just taste so delicious, its overwhelmingly difficult to give-up. Food is so necessarily evil.

External factors motivate my desires to change my body and develop a new lifestyle, but the internal factors struggle to maintain healthy habits. I maintain that I am one who has a relatively high level of self-discipline. Food seems to be my "achilles heel", where my self-discipline more often than not, goes flying out the window. I have always wondered, had law school fallen wayside, and graduate school never crossed my mind, would culinary school to become a chef have been my next option. I consider myself a "foodie," one who thoroughly enjoys the wondrous and delightful creations of flavor and taste by chefs alike. No matter the categorical type of food, I will at least try everything once, and if I end up enjoying it, I may return for more. Food, ugh, so delicious, yet likely unhealthy.

yum.