I Rest Assured.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the complexity of life. (This doesn't bid well for the rest of my life, huh? ha) In the process of growing up into adulthood, life seems to get more complicated. More objects obstruct our goals, obstruct our view, and obstruct our paths.

I am disheartened by my status. I bear no fruits to my labor. I study and I do the necessary, if not beyond, amount of work to succeed. Yet, I have nothing reasonable to show for it. I struggle to maintain a positive outlook as I carry on. Each result bears a heavier weight upon my shoulders. I await the favorable results to lift the weights and free my spirits. I am an optimist, through and through, however, one can only remain optimistic for so long when prior results show no change. I do not mean merely once or twice before, but rather extended results beyond that of twice.

Fortunately, I am blessed with people who acknowledge my efforts and reassure what I hope will happen in my future. Success, shown as the consequences, rather, rewards, of my effort.

I shall continue this journey with my best efforts. I know no matter the outcome, I will have put my best efforts forward. I am who I am. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. But if it has to be anything. I Will Succeed.

Digressing once more.

My continuance of tiredness extend further than the mere musings of my success in school. When you play a game enough, you get tired of it. You get tired of going through the loops. Tired of all the round-about ways to get to the point. Sure, chasing can be enjoyable when subtle hints are dropped before you that keep you going. At this point, it is not worth my time. I'm not one to give up but rather one to cut my losses if my evaluation shows no benefits to my efforts. I've tried. I've done basically all that is called for, but reciprocation is a far cry from my location. It is nowhere to be found. I am not an idiot. I am not oblivious to the nature of this game. Whether my expressions, actions, or communications show otherwise, I am well aware of my surroundings. I am observant and take note, but say nothing. This is me. I keep things to myself because I find it not my place to interject or interrupt. Human nature is an interesting entity (Previous "Human Nature" Entry ). Especially the distinguishing characteristics between females and males and more specifically to each individual. I find it fascinating what one enjoys versus what one finds irritating or unfavorable. The Game, why do we play? Is that our only option? Whatever it is, it is not worth my time right now, nor may it be for quite some time. Or maybe it is the source, maybe my evaluation has dictated it is not worth it. It may be sad to this point, where even a roommate does not satisfy that missing emotion. I seek that connection that one shares. I shall not fret over such a hole, it will eventually be pushed aside with my focus on myself and my future. It is undeniable this emotion will resurface. When it will resurface is the variable, but the previous statistics state the likelihood it will peer its head in a couple weeks. Until then, good riddance, there is no hate, just irritation. I avoid scratching it to make it worst. I am merely stating my displeasure in the situation and the epiphany that is the big picture of where I am headed and what is necessary versus what is a luxury.

Conceded Optimism Revived

My tedious rant continues. The top of the container is full. Its time to speak in hypocrisy. It is my bit of rage that spews onto this page. Not so much rage but restlessness, uneasy, frustration and irritation. My charm has subsided to the speculative eye. Conceded to the pessimistic outlook. I'm suddenly the debbie downer no one wants to hear.

Since my last written words, all 10 hours of it, I have unfortunately been in an unexplainable abnormal mood. I venture to attribute it to the subconscious anxiety I get when I am being tested. Although law school midterms are not weighed heavily, my desires to succeed add an unnecessary pressure. Finals are multiplied. I hardly remember any other testing having this amount of weight on my mind and body.

I'm in my own head. Looking for a permanent escape. Freedom from the confines of my own self-destructing thoughts. These last sentences would be damaging to my perception but I assure you they are to a lessen degree than most would take such statements. I am well aware I am not an idiot. I would not be where I am today without some level of intelligence. I would not have graduated high school, gotten my Bachelor Degree, be accepted into law school in hopes to receive my Juris Doctorate. It takes a certain kind of person, motivation, desires, and commitment to get to this level but I don't want to just be here. I have been blessed to have been a standout in places I have been a student. I don't see a reason why that should change. I am capable of such a feat, yet have not lived up to it. I hope and wish to find it very soon. Ideally in a matter of days.

I digress. I have calmed down now. My upstairs neighbor has decided to stop hammering whatever it is they're doing up there at 11:30 pm. They have been doing such for the past hour and half. My desires to sleep at 9:30 was compromised by their ignorant activities.

My cup is empty once more. I'm glad this is my release. I do not resort to burdening others to listen to my dispositions. It is not their job, nor is it my place. We all have our dog days, mine just happened to occur during midterms. Unfortunate timing but the irony in it amuses me.

Perhaps my restless mind is now content and will not longer fight my dormant desires.

Squirels!

I'm finding myself having a difficult time sustaining focus. I'm in the midst of a second midterm today, yet my exhaustion effects how I am currently preparing for the test. I've attempted to eliminate every distraction I can think of, from putting my back to others, instead of putting on headphones, I have earplugs in, and taking myself off of gChat to avoid unnecessary discussions about anything other than Civil Procedure. Yet I am still getting up to walk around, looking out the windows and reacting to random smells that break my concentration.

I have stared at this outline for just about a week now. I've learned and tried to retain much of it, yet I still feel I couldn't tell you exactly what some of the Rules are as defined. I'm in a struggle to (yup, I just looked outside at this very second) put into words my understand of the rule.

This is a cause for concern. I have spent more time this semester really trying to study than to just keep up with the readings and assignments. I feel as though I have been relatively on top of my game in terms of learning the material and paying attention in class, being engaged. My fear is that this week's studying will be of a waste and that what I have changed is still not enough to get me to where I want to be. Near the top of my game, near the top of my class. I am one who doesn't take losing lightly, although, I have realized I tend to rationalize it better. Whether that is a good thing or bad thing is beyond my desires to contemplate. Nevertheless, I have a high set of expectations for myself because I believe I am capable of many things. My lack of awards may speak otherwise, showing no more than quite possibly my laziness at crucial times. This is not in a lack of effort, it is rather a lack of being smarter about how I approach this. Maybe it may simply be, finding the method as to which will produce the most effective results. Or worst case, maybe I really just don't understand this as well as I thought I did, in which case is just unfortunate and a waste of time. Sad.

My Haven Awaits You.

I find my comfort, my solace, in writing. My expressions feed into words. I state my thoughts with particularity. Every word calculated. Every sentence premeditated. I find it harder to write anything than to organize my thoughts within my head and then put them onto the screen. There are benefits and disadvantages to either. This process may take longer for someone like me but requires less editing than one who word vomits a piece. Shakespeare never edited his work. I'm not insinuating I'm a literary master, nor some expert for that matter. Simply I share a juvenile, rather novice version of that process.

Nevertheless, writing is my place of calmness. I find writing and music, passions that soothe my mind, bring peace and de-stresses my body and soul.

I suggest my character seeks optimism in almost everything I encounter. I rationalize by finding the optimistic nature of every situation, every circumstance. There is always some good that comes out from any condition.

I admit, there are times when there is absolute difficulty in finding such optimism. Sometimes it is beyond our scope. I have lost sight before and have allowed my emotions to overwhelm my mind. However, hindsight always being 20-20, I am still able to get from it what I can.

I cannot control every element in my life. It is an understanding I struggle with at times but one I must settle with. I leave it to another entity to allow things to fall into its own place. I only seek happiness and take all victories, whether small or large, minimal or significant, as they come. For small victories of happiness may amount to a much larger whole.

My eyes are wide open, ready to take on anything I am faced with. My mind is free, ready to accept perspective and knowledge. My heart is receptive, ready for the love that awaits. My soul is hungry, ready to feast on all the world has to offer.

I am here. Come join me.

A Lover's Quarrel, A Dreamer's Sanctuary, A Child's Bliss

The easiest way to communicate emotion is in our words. How did our mankind create words and formulate meaning behind them? Centuries of evolution. Words make everything easier. They also make many things more difficult. Words can start an argument in any type of relationship. Words can describe ones dreams. Words can tell a story of a fairytale land, far, far away. Words are words. A group of letters that create a sound when said, provide a meaning when read, and with many, create an idea.

As I approach my second set of law school midterms, another understanding of words have made their way into my bank of knowledge. Words are powerful beyond comprehension. It could create a document that essentially places a person society has deem unfit to live among peers, into prison or death. It could free a man from charge of a crime. It created a Constitution our people live by. If the evolution of words and language never existed, would we cease to exist?

I've always been one fascinated by where things began. We have reluctantly agreed that the excitement of atoms caused the big bang. A theory that we've accepted was what started the milky way, our solar system, and namely our planet earth. Life as we know it. But from there, the story continues, to water, fish, amphibians, land animals, dinosaurs, monkeys?, Homo Sapiens, aka humans, tribes, society, cities, so on and so forth, however that order may be. I'm well aware there are gaps and misplacements, if you're interested please correct me. My point remains, along the way, we (as in this planet, etc) created things for the first time and allowed it to evolve. Just like bacteria evolves and adapts to its surroundings. I'm not comparing our mankind to bacteria but the principle of evolving.

Here we are, a world with many cultures, many beliefs, many ways of life, many languages, many countries and cities, and many people. Can we rewind to the beginning just to get a glimpse of how it all began. Then again, we formulate theories and ideas to satisfy our desires to understand the beginning. Quench our curiosity.

I am an ever thinking mind. A quiet mind. A mind that keeps to himself, unless he desires to voice his opinion. I've also been told I'm a charmer, but who do I charm? There are no snakes around me, that must not be it. I await to find that of which I have charmed.

My scatterbrain has provided these wondrous thoughts. Squirrel! ... where was I?

A new post this is, a week before midterms, my mind reluctant to study, my heart content, my body recuperating, and my soul still boogying to the beat.

I extend a welcome to Lili, welcome to my Peace of Mind. Enjoy your stay. Read on!