A 'petty' for your thoughts

In the grand scheme of things, it is just petty victimization of myself. Like Holden from Catcher in the Rye, I'm complaining to play victim, just to defer other issues at hand that I am now consciously obstructing to avoid coping with the stress. There is obviously something wrong there, but I need not focus on that, as it appears inferior to the other aspects I should be focused on.  It is a lingering inevitable reality, whom I, often times unbelievingly, state it will come when it comes, but f*ck, f*ck that! What the f*ck is wrong with me? F*ck it. It is what it is. Compassion and kindness escapes. Let it go. IGM time. 

Truth, honesty, and the pursuit of simplicity.

It is entertaining to reflect on how small things can irk one. How silence can lead to the imagination and creative thinking in both magical and evil sense.

We are ushered toward trying to live in the moment. Yet living in the present, reacting to words, to conversations, to situations, to events, leave us with often times, not the best response. Rather than an intelligent thought formulated in a proper logical comprehensive response, it is filled with emotions that do not necessarily involve your true intentions. 

We have been taught, explicitly or implicitly, that we must be proud people. Maintain a certain sense of pride in ourselves and often treading that border, venturing into arrogance and stubbornness just to express one's pride.  I get it, Americans especially, but people of the world of all ethnicities and nationalities, we are proud people. 

In the evolution of generations, we are losing core values and characteristics evident in these subsequent generations. The art of conversations is fading. Patience has nearly disappeared in our ever growing world of instant gratification.  The sense of accomplishment in putting in effort and performing loses to the sense of entitlement as it further surfaces. Technology and it's advancements has put a "strain," on relationships with how they are developed and maintained. I used the word strain loosely as I'm aware some of these advancements have be beneficial but I'm dwelling on those that do not favor it. 

I think back and I pinpoint this evolution with AOL's Instant Messenger.  As the world wide web in its infancy gained traction and users grew by the millions, AIM found its way down to the teenagers and was like a plague spreading across the world.  This fantasy world of chatting with your friends and interests instantly across miles and even states about anything and everything but really nothing.  I use to get questioned and teased for smiling and laughing at the computer screen.  My sense of introverted-ness was both evident and shelved, as I was sitting on the computer at my house but on AIM I had no shame or shyness to my conversations.  I said what I wanted to say without blushing or being embarrassed because I was JUST in front of a screen.  Sheltered from the judging eyes of my counterpart on the other end.

15+ years later and we have seen this beast grow into the fabric of society, affecting our everyday lives in how we now communicate.  Whether it is through social media or text messages, we now have thorough premeditated conversations through these mediums, becoming increasingly bold and opinionated, yet not reaping the possible consequences or the objections of others through correction and embarrassment.

These mediums, at least in my experience, has lead to numerous misunderstandings.  In using our words through text and social media, we have essentially eliminated the element of emotion with our tone and emphasis' of specific words.  Worst, we lose the instinctual honest response that is required in an in-person conversation.  We are now left "patiently" waiting for a response from the other end or recognition of the masses for our comment/declaration/etc.  I quoted patiently to really just explain that we are never ever waiting patiently. We are likely frantically thinking of scenarios that explain why they are not responding immediately, what they must be thinking, how they must be feeling and in the end they do not care as much as you do to respond at all.

There is a comedy to all of this.  I admittedly so, have been caught up in this and have had each of those thoughts in pursuit of potential suitors in the world of creating relationships.  Intentions are unclear, reputations are needed to be kept up, personas are projected to create this aura and idea, and pride is to be maintained. It is a joke, a game, and an unnecessary stress to everyone involved.  I will not give up over a minor speed bump but will cut my losses when speed bumps become walls, or road barriers (not the wooden ones, I can handle those, it is the concrete ones that "come out of nowhere").  Hypothetically speaking.  I believe and have succumbed to the reality that I do not need to put up a front to impress, I do not need to steer away from my quirks and idiosyncrasies but be honest and truthful no matter the situation and it will all fall into place.  More than ever, now, I am more satisfied and at peace with rejection than uncertainty. Here, hope is the stress that kills, rather than certainty that finishes it.

Placing my ego and pride aside, I am in the pursuit of simplicity.  In all aspects of life, but especially in relationships.  In the immortal words of the lady in the news video who got up for a cold-pop talking about the fire in her complex  somewhere in the US, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat!"  

Summer of '14 not '69

It's like a quick breath before you submerged again. A grasp for oxygen before another wave comes rippling into shore.  A brief clarity in view before my eyes get washed and the sting my retina feels as it attempts to protect itself. Blink, blink, blink.

The simple brief moment of calmness is what I call these past three days. This is the summer I had prepared and planned for.  A summer full of emotions, the highs, the lows, the stress, and the panic.  Maybe I forced this frantic summer upon myself, maybe it is just how the "cookie crumbles."  Nevertheless, it is what it is, and I have attacked it as best I could before it could engulf me, for now.  I have gotten a quick three day "summer vacation," in the middle of this storm.  Summer starts at various times for many people, typically for students it begins in June and ends in August. A carefree, relaxing, sunbathing summer of bonfires, barbecues, and sleeping in.  My summer has consisted of studying, working, studying, working, and studying.  Sprinkle in some minor workouts, a good night's sleep here and there, then lather the whole thing with stress eating and just regular eating.  For most of my "close friends" (and I use quotations here because...) I have fallen off the face of the earth, besides my social medial breaks, I have not seen most of them at all in the flesh.  I sincerely apologize and as this dwindles down, I will make every attempt to revitalize our friendship and see you all.  My co-workers and classmates, turned friends, have now become the closest friends I have and they have been nothing short of my sanctity and helped with my sanity over the course of this year.

This "three-day vacation" is officially the middle ground of my busy summer schedule.  I have now finished my summer class, finished what will be the majority of my GRE studies and now will put my focus towards actually taking the exam and finishing my applications for DPT programs across california and parts of the midwest/east. Transcript request, letters of recommendation, personal statements and any supplemental material will encompass my focus as I prepare for the test and start my fall classes in a week.  Sounds stress induced and hopelessness ahead however, I am doing my best to view it as simply exciting times for a future that is bright and filled with potential. Do not dwell, stay in the moment, but take a glimpse at the future. Life could be worst, and I could be in worst condition. Just keep calm, and chive on.

I digress.

5 Things for my mid-summer.

1. Went to my good friends' wedding this past Friday and was so excited to see all my old law school classmates to share in the fantastic and special evening for S and J.  Weddings are always so fun but it also affirms that when two people are compatible and are in sync with each other, it works.  It just simply works.  Most of my friends are coupled up and each of them have been together for quite some time and it is refreshing to see how happy each of them make the other.

2. In seeing my law school buddies and their significant other's, just surfaces the obvious for my end. But it is alright, I make a damn good 5th wheel. Actually, probably the best one! (3rd Wheeling) Click on that and you'll thoroughly enjoy it.

3. I didn't get much done this weekend, and it was probably necessary and for good reason. Slept in all three days and "wasted" most of those days doing absolutely nothing but laying around, reading and eating. Success!

4. I took a week off from the clinic but pick up shifts at the beach. I'd like to say that was a pretty good trade off.

5. I don't think I have ever worked at a university level class as hard as I did this last session, mind you a 6-week cramfest, only to "earn" a grade to my dislike (B). Nevertheless surviving... and having the lecture professor claim great job to those who just barely passed.  My lab portion was off the charts, must have put too much focus there. Darn.

Wish everyone out there is enjoy their summer! I'll see you when the smoke clears... should be soon!

Cheers!

Time Worth Ticking.

Timing can mean nothing and timing can mean everything.  I have spent the better part of my entire existence in a constant battle with time, across several mediums.  Most notably, I have raced the time in competitive swimming.  You, your abilities in the water, against the clock, ticking away the seconds and milliseconds until you complete your race.  Subtracted time, additional time, best times, and same times, all a measurement of your abilities and whether or not you are progressing towards a goal, you or your coach has set forth. 

Time in the other sense translates to minutes, hours, and years.  I’m accumulating mileage in terms of time, known to the general population as years.  As we count time, in terms of years, we utilize that near-arbitrary number as a gauge of where we should be in our lives, career-wise, socially, economically and emotionally.  These different standards may not always coincide with each other as some portions develop quicker than others.  However, generally speaking, we should reach a certain general standard at specific points in counting years. 

As I continue to walk away from a quarter century, I realize the mileage I have gained shrinks the window I envisioned I would have passed through at this point.  I am fortunate enough to have been raised in a family that promotes morality, honesty, hard work, self-esteem, confidence, and the like.  Characteristics that produce a successful, strong-willed individual, who can handle adversity and disappointment, persevere and move forward. 

I speak of timing here, in the sense that in my personal career, my private life, I have had the misfortunate of experiencing bad timing.  Although I have developed the rationale to appreciate optimism and turn every unfortunate situation into either a learning experience or one that salvages my esteem, I cannot help but wonder if there is something greater left for me out there than this misfortune. 

My mental stability allows for me to move on and focus on other realms of my path, however, whether it may be the heart-breaking, and confidence tear-down, of a rejection, the simply emotionally unavailable, or the one already accounted for, my curiosity wanders to what I am doing wrong or what is the cause of such inability to find someone worth sharing experiences with, emotionally and physically.

I have had the privilege of encountering a number of counterparts over the past several years, which for one of the reasons previously stated experienced a difficulty in compatibility.  In discovering such reasons for incompatibility, I attempted to observantly obtained qualities I found complimentary or conflicting.  In doing so, I furthered refined my ideals for the qualities I hope and wish for in my future companion. 

Recently, I stumbled upon a potential, whom with further inquiry learned she was accounted for, possessed a collection and combination of qualities I had never encountered before and took an immediate interest in.  But due to the aforementioned availability, ceased to pursue further out of respect for her and the other party involved.  Nevertheless, I have continued to dwell and dissect... (never finished the thought but appeared to be a place I COULD have stopped).

To be continued...  

Unnecessarily preparing for what is to come.

What awaits, is a test of my motivation, fortitude, patience and ability to maintain focus.  (Look something shiny!) I am highly anticipating an intense next few weeks preparing for final exams to result in favorable grades as well as what is to come in the summer months.  I have what appears to be quite the exciting yet stress induced summer bleeding into the fall.

My parents have taken notice of my current state and have reveled in every moment they can to tease me yet show their unwavering support for my work ethic and focus towards my path. Last night we had a full family dinner and my dad took the opportunity to mention how my attention to presenting myself has deteriorated.  In his words, I no longer take the time to make sure my hair is gelled and properly combed to the style it should be in, I haven't shaved, nor do I smell like a "cheap whore" anymore with the amount of cologne they believed I use to put on.  Rather, I now look slightly presentable and on the boarder of being a hot mess of a slob.  Then mom quickly proceeds to ask, "so, do you have a girlfriend? Are you dating anyone? You're probably not because you're not really getting dressed up or anything, and you seem to always be so busy.  It's ok, you'll be ok."

Yes mother, yes father.  I am busy with getting the prerequisites lined up, presenting a near flawlessly competent self both academically and professionally, and working what essentially is 4 jobs.  "Ain't nobody got time fo'dat!" It will be ok, I want to believe at some point, a serendipitous occurrence will happen and I will seize that opportunity to develop whatever there is to develop. However, until that time presents itself, I shall remain a hermit of sorts to focus on this current situation.

It's funny to reflect on, that I have, beyond some rare Facebook comments, hermit myself from many of my outside friends.  Refer to outside friends as those beyond the scope of my current classmates and several co-workers. Ironically, I intend to further seclude myself in that I shall likely limit venturing into Facebook anymore for the next few weeks into months, as I bury myself into preparing for finals, starting GRE study and exam prep, aligning myself for summer classes, begin evaluating and applying to PT schools, and finally finishing up CEUs for NSCA by taking the CSCS exam before Fall semester starts. Again, exciting times but high stressing inducing activities combined.

Time for the 5 to stay alive!

1. Glad and thankful I have aligned/surround myself with highly motivated individuals who strive to excel and keep my in check to succeed.

2. Spring break was a waste of studying time.  Meaning I wasted time by sleeping more than actually studying.  I had every intention to study and prepare myself for the coming weeks, yet I ended up sleeping most of it.

3. I promise when I am past this stretch of being so busy with so many different things, I will revisit all of my outside friends and spend quality time with.

4. Hopefully when that time does come, we can all pick up right where we left off last.  There are a handful of you guys out there that I want to reconnect with and really catch up with.  I do miss you guys dearly but should get my $hi! together and straight first.

5. Here comes the $hiT storm.  I will do everything in my power to get everything done, and done well! I will succeed and I will have that relief of choosing my school rather than stressfully waiting.  Also, mark my words, down to 180 in 6 months or by birthday time. 29 will be ridiculous, guaran-damn-tee it, ridiculously sexy that is.