"All I'm losing is me..."

The more I think the more I lose myself in my thoughts and the more I end up stepping away from who I really am. I am struggling with cynical thoughts, irritability, I'm becoming more uptight, wound up too tight, stressful in how I am doing.

Exhale. Breathe. Relax. Find myself. Perspective.

My mind is a mess. I am a mess. I'm in the middle of my transformation, and as with many things, change is a challenge. Am I changing in the right direction? Am I becoming a better person for it? I try not to show my weakness in case of exploitation but I'm quickly losing steam, losing hope in what I'm doing. I write and I know that I should think a certain way, I should continue to be optimistic, I should this, I should that. Unexplained, my brain won't allow that to be truth. I know but I don't necessarily believe. Where does that leave me? Like in "Deception" I feel as though I'm in "limbo," awaiting for some light some thing to rescue me.

I am accumulating all this knowledge, processing it but unable to recite it back to those I converse with. Does that just mean I really DON'T in fact get it at all but just think I do? I'm surrounded by peers I now call good friends, friends who I'm sure struggle through this at some point as well but are better equipped to handle such situations.

I need to get away from being so concerned about what my actions may be interpreted as, what I say may be construed in evaluating my character, my intelligence. I fear I am the village idiot. I fear I am way in over my head and have started to give up, beginning my decent into the dark depths of the abyss.

I hit a wall, figuratively, two weeks ago. Since then I've been able to get through it and carried myself to where I am now. But this week brings another obstacle, one I'm questioning deeply. I feel as though I run in circles with this. I have visited this obstacle several times before, obviously, I have been able to surge pass it, but this time feels different. The stakes are higher, the pressure is on, if anything, put upon me by my own doing.

I passed all my midterms, placed smack dab in the middle of the bell curve, but my competitive nature won't allow me to settle for such a position. Then again, my laziness influences my position otherwise.

I'm battling, my body is getting weaker, its evident in the aches and pains physically, evident in my speech and thought process mentally. Where do I go from here? Guidance is at a minimum for lack of expertise in this mental and physical struggle.

I'm doing this to further my career, I'm doing this because my parents never had the opportunity to do this, I'm doing this for my future, for my family's future, I'm doing this for myself.

I'm am an intelligent being, I am here because people believed in me.

It's so much easier to write here. For reasons unknown, at least to me.