Merry Thanks-mas!

Showing appreciation, gratitude, thanks, takes more than just a day to really justify one's true feelings. We as a society find it easier to quantify it as simply one day to really give thanks, Thanksgiving day. The last Thursday of every November.

In my opinion, Thanksgiving does not do justice to those who we believe deserve our thanks. I can't just be thankful for one day. There is no way I can express my thank you to my parents and my family in just one day. I doubt I can't even fit it in my lifetime. My mom and dad mean everything to me. They are my lifeline, I am a direct reflection of who they are, the character, values, and morals they believe in, I am product of that.

The older you get the more you appreciate your parents. My appreciation is more evident this year than before because I have unfortunately had some close friends lose their fathers. I cannot imagine how distraught I would be if such a thing would happen to me now. They're getting older, as I get older, and I want to make every moment last with them. I want them to be happy as I have been to have such wonderful parents who love me and do everything for me. I believe it when people say a love for a child can never be compared to love for anyone else, its just completely different. There is nothing you wouldn't do for your child. I'll find that out when I have kids but until then, I will do everything in my power to make my parents happy and proud. They deserve it. I swear they raised two good sons. I love my brother and I know he loves me cause he takes care of me all the time. I cannot recall any other time my family has been as close as they are presently. It is truly a blessing and pleasure.

To not discriminate, thank you friends, of past and present. Those of the past, your influence both good and bad reinforce my ever evolving character. My parents created the core but I can't say it doesn't evolve and further develop. Friends make life more enjoyable, so thank you.

Happiness is appreciating all that you have and how easily you could lose it at any given time.

Merry Thanks-mas!

The End of the Beginning is Near

Less than three weeks. After enduring 3 and a quarter months, it will be the end of my beginning. I will have accomplished 1/6th of my goal over the course of the next three years. Quite the accomplishment considering what the task at hand is and will continue to be. They say the first year is the hardest, you don't believe such words until you have experienced it for yourself. I am still experiencing it but if this first semester is any indication, the journey, although tough, will be a rewarding and fun experience. I wish I could accurately describe my feelings about all of this in fewer words than many, but if I must, it has been amazing.

I foresee nostalgia once this journey concludes and my career commences. I may currently feel stressed, question my decisions, question my intelligence, my being, however, it will all make sense and come together in the end. I will have nothing short of extreme gratitude and appreciation towards my school, my professors, the faculty, and my colleagues - even though they are classmates now, they will be my colleagues in the future and more importantly close friends.

Bonds are created through adversity - adversity is all around and none more apparent than when you attempt to succeed at a task that extends beyond your current skill and knowledge.

Law school is just that. Adversity. We aren't necessarily learning the law, but rather learning how to eat, breath, think, and analyze like an attorney. Our job is to assess our client's issue into legal terms, identify the legally significant facts. To do so is not easy, as explained to us by our professors over and over again, however, that is why it is law school and not everyone seeks and receives the opportunity to learn such a trade.

It is difficult to fathom that the end game, will encompass a professional responsibility. I will be a professional, not exactly the field I originally envisioned, but definitely a worthy consolation. I may possibly be responsible for lives - individually and collectively - I may be a glorified negotiator for a large company - but with high prestige and respect... Hopefully. ha.

Whatever that entails, it will not come to fruition without putting in the work now. I admit I easily lose sight at the big picture at times and see myself in the moment. Both are necessary and many of us, especially myself, extend to each extreme at times. Will someone please remind me to continually balance my mind, body, and soul.

My mind may change over time, but at this moment, I would not trade this for the world. Maybe a little better health and maybe a girlfriend (since everyone and their mother is in a relationship. Ladies you can interpret that as an open invitation to introduce yourself to an outstanding nerd. haha) but ultimately, I am content. Actually, that kind of sounds depressing, I am happy. Are you?

"All I'm losing is me..."

The more I think the more I lose myself in my thoughts and the more I end up stepping away from who I really am. I am struggling with cynical thoughts, irritability, I'm becoming more uptight, wound up too tight, stressful in how I am doing.

Exhale. Breathe. Relax. Find myself. Perspective.

My mind is a mess. I am a mess. I'm in the middle of my transformation, and as with many things, change is a challenge. Am I changing in the right direction? Am I becoming a better person for it? I try not to show my weakness in case of exploitation but I'm quickly losing steam, losing hope in what I'm doing. I write and I know that I should think a certain way, I should continue to be optimistic, I should this, I should that. Unexplained, my brain won't allow that to be truth. I know but I don't necessarily believe. Where does that leave me? Like in "Deception" I feel as though I'm in "limbo," awaiting for some light some thing to rescue me.

I am accumulating all this knowledge, processing it but unable to recite it back to those I converse with. Does that just mean I really DON'T in fact get it at all but just think I do? I'm surrounded by peers I now call good friends, friends who I'm sure struggle through this at some point as well but are better equipped to handle such situations.

I need to get away from being so concerned about what my actions may be interpreted as, what I say may be construed in evaluating my character, my intelligence. I fear I am the village idiot. I fear I am way in over my head and have started to give up, beginning my decent into the dark depths of the abyss.

I hit a wall, figuratively, two weeks ago. Since then I've been able to get through it and carried myself to where I am now. But this week brings another obstacle, one I'm questioning deeply. I feel as though I run in circles with this. I have visited this obstacle several times before, obviously, I have been able to surge pass it, but this time feels different. The stakes are higher, the pressure is on, if anything, put upon me by my own doing.

I passed all my midterms, placed smack dab in the middle of the bell curve, but my competitive nature won't allow me to settle for such a position. Then again, my laziness influences my position otherwise.

I'm battling, my body is getting weaker, its evident in the aches and pains physically, evident in my speech and thought process mentally. Where do I go from here? Guidance is at a minimum for lack of expertise in this mental and physical struggle.

I'm doing this to further my career, I'm doing this because my parents never had the opportunity to do this, I'm doing this for my future, for my family's future, I'm doing this for myself.

I'm am an intelligent being, I am here because people believed in me.

It's so much easier to write here. For reasons unknown, at least to me.